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`Late Show With David Letterman`, CBS, January 24, 1996 episode
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The following is the full transcript of Mary Stuart Masterson's appearance 
on the `Late Show With David Letterman` on January 24, 1996. She was there 
to promote her new film `Bed of Roses.`

The first two guests were comedian Don Rickles and child sportscaster 
Sparky Mortimer. Don Rickles took up most of the time.

(a little over three-fourths of the way into the show, they come back from 
commercial and David Letterman announces Mary Stuart Masterson)

DL - Our next guest starred in the films `Fried Green Tomatoes` and `Benny 
and Joon.` Her newest film is called `Bed of Roses.` It opens on Friday. 
And if this thing doesn't go through the roof, I'll eat my toupee. Ladies 
and gentlemen, please welcome to the program Mary Stuart Masterson.

(MSM walks out in a short black, silky dress -- it's low-cut, sleeveless, 
with no belt -- it looks sort of like a slip or a nightgown)

DL - You look quite nice. You look very, very fetching.

MSM - Thank you.

DL - That's almost like a, kind of like... night-wear, isn't it?

MSM - Cynthia Rowley made this. I understand she was bumped last night.

DL - Yeah, I'm sorry, she was supposed to be on the program.

MSM - I know.

DL - I don't know the woman. I'm looking forward to meeting her. She'll 
come back.

MSM - She's a cutie. She's a sweetheart.

DL - She designs clothing. And that's a dress she designed.

MSM - Yes, and it was free, so...

DL - Free?

MSM - For me. (laughs)

DL - Well that's the best part. Heavens. Now listen, tell me about this 
film. Because I'm watching this thing this afternoon -- you've got like a 
goldmine on your hands here. Don't you think?

MSM - Jurassic Park? (laughs)

DL - That kind of business. I'm looking at... I'm smelling two hundred 
million out of this thing.

MSM - Well, I hope you're right. (laughs)

DL - You know why? Because it's a very simple little love story. And people 
who are simple and in love, like me...

MSM - (laughs) Well, me too.

DL - ...will go see this thing a hundred times. Don't you think?

MSM - I hope so. I mean, you've got your, sort of, sensitive young man of 
the nineties...

DL - That's Christian Slater.

MSM - Yes, right.

DL - I could've had that part.

MSM - (joking) Right, right. Well, of course. (serious) He's like a young
widower, you know. And then he...

DL - Very sensitive man.

MSM - Yes. Sensitive man of the nineties. And he takes these walks to be 
sort of wistful and think about life, or whatever...

DL - He sees you one night in your apartment window...

MSM - ...And I'm crying cause I've had a bad day...

DL - ...You're crying and sobbing...

MSM - ...I'm a bit of a workaholic...

DL - Your fish just died...

MSM - ...with a bad day. Fish died. And he decides to send me flowers to 
cheer me up.

DL - Anonymously.

MSM - Anonymously.

DL - You're skeptical. You're ice cold.

MSM - 9-1-1.

DL - Yeah, you're afraid to open up.

MSM - Yes. Exactly. You know, I've got my shame, and...

DL - You've been hurt before.

MSM - Yes.

DL - Exactly.

MSM - So, anyway, then we fall in love, you know. I find out that it was 
him who sent the flowers. And I'm suspect, but I end up, you know...

DL - He wants to marry you, doesn't he?

MSM - Well, uh...

DL - Yes, he does. He wants to marry you.

MSM - (feigns Southern accent) Yes.

DL - And you resist, a little, don't you?

MSM - Yeah, well you know, you're scared, and...

DL - Because you're afraid of being hurt again.

MSM - Yes. (overly dramatic) You don't want to reveal your true nature. 
You're afraid. Love is scary, Dave.

(Dave is laughing)

DL - I'm telling you, this thing has just got dollar signs stamped all over 
it.

MSM - I love you!

DL - No, no. Don't you think this is going to be, well...

MSM - Well, I can't say...

DL - Let's talk about something else. How've you been? How are things 
going?

MSM - Well, I guess I'm fine. And, I've written a script, that I'm sort of
preoccupied with.

DL - You're also a screenwriter.

MSM - Well, yeah... so far. I haven't been... it hasn't been produced, so 
I can't really call myself a screenwriter, but...

DL - Well, what's the story on the script? Maybe I can help you out with 
it.

MSM - It's a love story...

DL - Love story. Yeah.

MSM - You know, guy sees a girl through a window... (laughs)

DL - (laughs) Well, see you're wasting your time here.

MSM - I figure, you know... I figure, you know... Coat tails. Um, no. But
anyway, I guess I was trying to raise the money for... years, actually. 
This is the fourth year I've been involved with this project.

DL - How much money does it take to get this thing from script form up to 
the silver screen?

MSM - Well... it's anywhere between three and eight million dollars at this
point. So...

DL - Wow.

MSM - Yeah.

DL - You know, for a guy like me, that's gum money.

(MSM and the audience laugh -- then the audience explodes with applause)

DL - I'm drunk. (laughs)

MSM - (joking) Well, that's why I'm here, actually. I thought maybe you 
could lend me three million...

DL - So how do you go about raising the money? Where do you get the money 
for this?

MSM - Well, actually, this is a funny story. My agent kept getting these 
calls from the... (thinks) foreign minister's daughter's attache, whatever. 
For me to call...

DL - Uh-huh.

MSM - And I thought that, you know, maybe this was some... joke, or 
whatever...

DL - Something about your taxes. That's what I'd think. Right away.

MSM - ...[so I was like] Aaaah, forget about it. So, I never called back, 
and finally, I did. And I ended up talking to the... (thinks) attache's 
girl's cousin, whatever...

DL - Uh-huh.

MSM - Long-story-short, I was told that I should come four-wheeling with 
this girl. This Japanese girl.

DL - Oh, it's a Japanese woman?

MSM - Yeah. And I thought, well that's really nice, you know, but I'm kind 
of busy. And she said `What are you doing?` And I said `Well, I'm writing 
and I'm trying to direct, like everybody else in the world.` And she said 
`Well, do you need any help?` And I said `Well, yeah, I need three million 
dollars.` You know, ha ha. Two days later, I have a meeting with her and 
she's practically got a suitcase, you know... full of money...

DL - A suitcase full of cash?

MSM - Yeah.

DL - Wow.

MSM - Yeah.

DL - Is it... it's counterfeit, right?

MSM - (laughs) Well... Monopoly money to you, Dave.

(Dave laughs)

MSM - But... so, I don't know. Who knows? Maybe I'll actually be doing this
movie.

DL - So this will be the first movie that you've written, and now will you
direct it yourself?

MSM - Yes, I'm going to direct it. I'm not going to get anywhere near 
acting in it. But, um...

DL - Yeah. That's a lot of work, directing a film.

MSM - I think so.

DL - Cause you know what it is... the director is responsible for solving 
every single problem, every minute of every day you shoot.

MSM - And the reason to blame for every single problem, every minute of the
day.

DL - Be very careful.

MSM - Yeah.

DL - We've got to do a commercial. Do you want to hang around for the 
music?

MSM - Yep, sure.

DL - Alright, please do. We'll be right back here, ladies and gentlemen, 
with Joe Ely and Todd Snider.

(MSM sits there while the band plays and they go to commercial)

(they return from commercial and MSM is still sitting there)

DL - Do you like Buddy Holly?

MSM - Love Buddy Holly.

DL - Our next guests are two of the most respected names in country rock `n
roll, and they're getting rave reviews for their performance on this Buddy
Holly tribute CD. It's called Not Fade Away. Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome Joe Ely and Todd Snider. Hi guys.

(MSM claps)

(Joe Ely and Todd Snider play the Buddy Holly song `Oh Boy`)

(they finish playing and Dave walks over to the band)

DL - Nice job. Thank you very much. Joe Ely, Todd Snider, ladies and 
gentlemen. We'll be right back.

(they go to commercial)

(they return from commercial and MSM is still sitting there)

DL - Okay. It was great fun to see you again.

MSM - Thank you.

DL - And good luck on the big film. Just get ready to start counting that
dough.

MSM - Well...

DL - My thanks to Joe Ely and Todd Snider. And, of course, our good friend 
Don Rickles. Paul, do you have the song?

(Paul Shaffer starts playing a joke song dedicated to Bill Clinton called
`What's a Fat Boy Got To Do?`)

DL - Good night everybody.